I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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