Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
