so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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