That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
