"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
