Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
