my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
