Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize