My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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