my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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