I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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