the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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