Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
