ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
