I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
