my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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