I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text