Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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