New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a āIāve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood godā sort of way.
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