I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
