Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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