she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
