Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
