He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
