Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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