For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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