Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
