Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
