heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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