I cut my penus on the lid.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
