I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
