its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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