If that was your dad, he is hot
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
