I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
