So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
