it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
