does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Non-Jews are for practice
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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