i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
