I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
