Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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