He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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