the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
