I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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