I swear she didn't look like that last week.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
