He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
