i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
