Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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