Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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