I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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