I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
