i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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