Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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