i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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