member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
