is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
