They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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