1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
